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Officer Suspended    Holy Moly Officer D. Diggler helps a group of Catholic girls learn the Song of Solomon. Called to the scene by neighbors complaining about the noise, officer D. Diggler responded to quiet the party down. What he found, however, was entirely unexpected. "Jimmy-Joe and me, we thought they was throwin' an old-fashioned moonshine hootenany they way they was cacklin' and carryin' on," offered nosey neighbor, Betty-Sue Smith. "I seen the occifer show up and things got kinda quiet for three ticks or so and then the ruckus was even worse than before!" Acting as a concerned neighbor would, Mrs. Betty-Sue Smith peeked through the window at the commotion only to find the officer half-nekkid and writhing around. "When I heard Betty-Sue a-hollerin', I came quick as spit as I could - She always a-peepin' on the good stuff," stated Latesha Jackson. "Mmmm-Mmmm! that weren't no church social, that's for darn tootin'." When asked for a comment regarding the matter, one of the young women involved was heard to say, "It was just a Bible Study. A girl-only church social, honestly. We were reenacting the Samson & Delilah story. Or Sodom & Gomorrah, I forget which. Anyway, "Gonna Make You Sweat" meshes surprisingly good with the Book of Obadiah." Officer Diggler has been suspended by spandex, with pay until the matter can be sorted out.  Have you seen this man? |
Tauntings and Tastings Plucky, French chickee Renee Chauviere, also known as The Bride, although not the one in the movie,
you know, the one with Sting & Jennifer Beals, and oh my wasn't she a hottie in Flashdance?
Anyway, Renee was heard to say, "I can't believe Sting is the same guy that wrote such great Police songs as
"Message in a Bottle". He sucks now." Okay, Renee didn't say that, but it's certainly true. Back to Renee,
no wait a moment, let's talk about Jennifer Beals, who is a hottie. She didn't really dance in the movie
& she hasn't been in anything recently. Well, I guess there's not much to say about her. Except that she's
a hottie! One Agnes Morehead (no, not the mother from Bewitched cause she's dead, what the hell is wrong with you people?) cast
a spell on Tedward causing the young vegan to perform a masterful rendition of the St. Vitus dance at the rehearsal
dinner. Said Tedward as his nimble feet jockeyed for position, "Oh the pain, the pain. Could someone beat me with a
summer sausage & bring this beguiling facade to an end?" Responded Dr. Smith, "You're stealing my bit." A certain saucy, green-clothes-loving usher (later known as Coy Trachea) let it drop at the Kitten Juicing Barn Dance that, rather
than rice or birdseed being thrown at the newlyweds, squid bits would be distributed for the guests
to fling. Please refrain from snacking as they've been poisoned per tradition! Someone seemed to enjoy the "security guard" at the bachelor party a bit too much. Her name is Sarah Carver. She made
Dirk cry. For shame! For sarcastic, cromulent Jason Carver, the indescretions of youth came back to haunt him late last week as his
stuffed tiger Piddles attempted to assassinate him with a butter knife. Jason handily defeated him as Piddles doesn't have
an opposable thumb & was thus unable to grip the knife. With a few seconds on frappe, Piddles was blended beyond
recognition thereby bringing an end to the tontine which of course means that the groom is now the sole owner
of the rights to Monchichi (oh so soft & cuddly)! In a bit of sad news, a small sampling of the bat colony under the Congress Ave bridge flew into cretaceous, goateed
John Street Dentist hair yesterday forcing the egregious post-teenager to amputate his tresses. So, if you see him foaming
at the mouth at the reception...! 
Superman Ravages Local Girl
(She Enjoys It) |
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