Local Couple Weds
Friends and Family Bewildered

When Renee Chauviere and Jason Carver announced their engagement in June of 1998, the sentiments were merry and confused.

      "I thought it was great until I realized they weren't serving the canapes I liked," offers an inside source. "I mean, how can you have hors d'ourves without those little canapes? They're awfully selfish in that aspect."

      When pressed further about the wedding, the source would only offer, "I suppose that if I don't have to hear the Village People, it will all be worth it."

      Another friend of the couple was quoted as saying, "I always thought they were a little wacky, but don't quote me on that."

Wedding Beelzebubs Our photo editor Mert Bougainvillia was unable to finish the red-eye reduction as he was recently slurped into the bowels of Hell. We cower in fear of the demon princess, Renee

Honeymoon Plans Changed!
Couple goes from Europe to San Francisco

The couple cited Mr. Carver's new job as the reason for canceling their European vacation. However, our sources close to the matter assure us that their rash decision was based on another more tawdry matter.

      Sources have confirmed that June is National Gay Pride Month. For reasons as of yet unknown, the couple will be riding on one of the main Gay Pride floats in San Francisco's gala event.

      "We're absolutely, fabulously pleased that the newlyweds have agreed to ride on our Rice-a-Roni float. Because, after all, Rice-a-Roni is the San Francisco treat!" chirped Antonio "Pinky" Anderson, spokes person for the Rice-a-Roni Gay Pride Committee.

Friends 'til The End?
Phan and target Carver share a friendly moment. Could the sweat pants be what almost drove Phan to use his long-time friend as target practice?

Assassination Foiled
No Charges Pressed

In years gone by, it was the best man's job to marry the bride when the groom met an untimely death. Best man, Quan Phan, almost took the tradition too far.

      For undisclosed reasons, Phan attempted to assassinate Carver with a modified crossbow. His plans were thwarted however, when one of the bridesmaids offered to introduce him to "a really nice girl (she) met at Sonic."

      Friend, Chris Howard from Minneapolis, Minnesota offered, "After two failed long distance relationships, Quan found the local girl very desirable. I guess he wasn't concerned that she was his best friend's girl..."

      Other friends told The celebrite Hottsweiler Bee that Miss Chauviere and Mr. Phan had been having a torrid internet love affair, visiting multiple chat rooms and frequenting anonymous fax sites.

      The parties involved were unavailable for comment.

D&D Causes Dilemma
Diablo Not Much Better

Dungeons and Dragons has been known to cause many teenagers to loose their social lives. In the lives of Renee and Jason, it almost cost them a wedding.

      "Apparently she overhead him talking about his 'Socrates.' She just assumed it was his old wizard character, I guess," an anonymous sister told this reporter. "She was sobbing uncontrollably, screaming, ' I don't think I can marry such a nerd!'"

      Sorrow and disaster were narrowly avoided when it was revealed that Carver was merely playing Diablo into the wee hours of the morning when he was supposed to be sleeping because he claimed to be ill.

      Renee was overheard to say, "Diablo is not much better."